Yeah, a couple of days late.  Par for the course with me lately….

This weekend I was thinking of the mothers I’ve known in my life, mostly my mother as well as my girlfriends (present and past).  I’ve mentioned my feelings about mom here as well as in person.  To put it in a single sentence – She wasn’t perfect, but she did better than her own mother and has made impressive personal progress over the years.  Having hated her for years, I’m much happier now that I’ve realized this broader perspective.  She’s simply an amazing woman who far surpassed her own mother when it came to raising her kids, placing her permanently on my “awesome people” list.

The same can be said for my girlfriends.  They all had their own challenges, some more than others, but they overcame them in the end (not sure about EPL, but I do hope she has).  Sadly, too many of them were practically on their own when it came to raising their children.

And that’s why I think Mother’s day is so incredibly important.  I’ve known entirely too many women who have raised some amazingly well-adjusted (and often mind-bogglingly talented) children in spite of the lack of spousal support.

So to EPL, you were a fantastic mother for many years until the end and I hope that was just one “oops” of many follow-up “kudos”.  The kids turned out great, and I’m confidence they’ve become greater over the years.  Happy Mother’s Day to you.

To E, as I’ve said many times before and after our end, I was always impressed at your motherly ways.  You had a good example to follow with your own mother, though the challenges in raising those kids with such an angry partner, well, you’re ability to maintain your sanity just shows the amount of strength inside.  You did good, so happy Mother’s Day to you.

To my M, your strength, tenacity and intelligence are clearly reflected in the kids.  They are so well-prepared for the challenges ahead, I have full confidence they will continue to shine.  Things could have gone so wrong so many times, and you simply refused to let that happen!  And to have maintained a successful career and received a degree as well?  Impressive, simply impressive.  Happy Mother’s Day to you.

And to my mom.  I just love you.  How can I not?  Against all odds, and they were stacked heavily against you, you still managed to raise three successful sons.  And you haven’t stopped there, continuing to improve and break through road blocks ranging from bad relationships to a heart attack.  You continue to kick ass and take names, in spite of the occasional uncertainties.  To you, the HAPPIEST of Mother’s Days because you totally fucking earned it!  :-)

It is strongly recommended to avoid driving on the North & East side of Madison on June 6 between the hours of 5 and 5:30 in the afternoon.  If you cannot avoid those areas during that time, you will want to keep a minimum of three car lengths from any light-blue Prius and park in such a way as to prevent the option of parallel parking.

The Madison East DMV just received notice a 42-year-old first-time driver will be taking his road test during this time.  As a precaution, UW MedFlight wil be placed on high alert during this time.

I must admit a tad of amusement when I tell people who I do not have a driver’s license, though the reactions have varied over the years.  Back in my early 20′s when I was living in Japan, it wasn’t that big of a deal.  For am American, everything about driving in Japan sucked big time, so I was one of many “non-drivers”.

The standard Californian reaction to a 20-something who did not drive was puzzlement, followed by baffling bewilderment when they discovered I never had a license.  I quickly learned why I seemed completely alien to my Californian neighbors.  The vast majority of households had more than 2 cars and nobody went anywhere without them.  Californians treated their vehicles as much like accessories as they did method of transportation.

I moved back to Wisconsin in my early 30′s, and the reactions were just as puzzled, but for different reasons.  Many people I’ve met have been driving some sort of vehicle since they were a child, be it a tractor, snowmobile, ATV, truck, etc.  So many simply cannot fathom how someone made it to my age (currently 42) without driving.  The first question is usually, “How did that happen?”  I’ve told this story so many times, figure I may as well get it down in writing.

How I grew up as a child in WI without ever driving a vehicle – the answer to that is pretty simple.  My parents weren’t very involved in my personal life.  In a “cold”, logical way, the reasons why they weren’t are understandable and can found elsewhere on this blog.

How I missed the critical point in high school where everyone was learning to drive, that’s a little more complicated story.

When I turned 15 and it became time to consider such things, family life was a bit of chaotic.  That year I got caught shoplifting, experienced alcohol poisoning and spent 2 weeks in a mental hospital for troubled teens.  That was also the year my parents decided to pursue their dream of running a restaurant by moving us from Waukesha to Kewaunee.  This meant that a few months after starting school in Waukesha, I was transferred to another school 120 miles away.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that as we get older, some of our memories get, uhm, less-than-accurate.  Having said that, when I remember is that at some point, I was told that the new school didn’t have a Driver’s Ed course.  Back in those days, this was a standard class (and FREE), but since Kewaunee was such a tiny school, I guess I didn’t think it was too weird they wouldn’t have one.  I don’t recall picking my classes for Kewaunee and think they just matched what I was taking in Waukesha.  So I didn’t sign up for a class I didn’t think they had.

I don’t remember exactly when, but shortly after I started classes I learned they did have Driver’s Ed.  Why didn’t I sign up for the class right then?  I suspect there were many factors.  The entire family was very, very busy running Happy’s Supper club and money was tight.  Step-dad ran the bar, mom the kitchen and I was the dishwasher.  The SOLE dishwasher and one who never got paid a dime for the two years he worked there (yeah, I’m still a little bitter about that).

My mornings consisted of cleaning the bathrooms, mopping behind the bar and vacuuming the bar and dining areas.  I would then walk to school, do my thing there, walk home, then head into the dishwashing area and start the night’s duties, which generally lasted until around 10 or 11 (and sometimes 2am-3am on the weekends during Trout Fest).

EVERYONE in the family was busy (yes, even young TW, who took over my role of caregiver – this time for baby Gordy), and getting a license seemed such an impossibility, it never made the priority list (not that I had one, but work with me here).

There was a time about two years later after the restaurant went under and the family broke apart where I did make an attempt to learn how to drive.  Alas, my teachers, as they were, weren’t very good and I didn’t get a much of practice in.  So while I did attempt to get my license at one point, I failed the road test miserably.  I vaguely recall the “observer” making a point that I scared him more than once.  I’ll just leave it at that.

By the time I was 18, I was living on my own with the remainder of family (Mom, TW & Gord) living out on the east coast.  Simply surviving was a challenge, which I didn’t always have great success with.  Before I finally gave up and joined the Navy a year later, I had been homeless, drank WAY too much and had spent a weekend in a mental hospital for trying to kill myself (by sitting in the middle of HWY 29).  Trust me, you wouldn’t have wanted me to have a license during that period (not that I had a chance in hell of owning a car, though I did for a very brief time, but that’s a story for another day).

Eventually not having a license just became a way-of-life.  I was a bit of a recuse anyway, so it fit naturally with my “lifestyle” (for lack of a better term).  Besides, I was too busy during my Navy schooling, and there was no way in HELL I was going to learn how to drive in Japan.  By the time it really became a viable goal, I simply didn’t care anymore.  I became adept at getting around when I needed to, so not having a license wasn’t that big of a deal.

Which continues to this day.  So when people ask me these days, “How do you manage without a license?”  My standard reply is, “You can’t make it to my age without driving and not learn how to be creative and resourceful.”

Why am I now learning to drive?  I’m not really sure why I now care, or, honestly, if I even do.  It just feels right, and I can use the challenge of something new.  I must say that AT deserves a lot of credit here.  Not only is she a fantastic driver, she’s also a great teacher, knowing how to motivate, correct and praise without making me feel self-conscious.

That red, turbo-diesel, cloth top convertible VW bug dream is getting a wee bit closer to reality.

Like a boxer recovering from a particularly well-placed right-hook, I’m surprised to see it’s only been a month since I last wrote anything of substance.

It feels a lot longer than that.  Still unsure what to call it, I’ve been in this kinda “grey” mood lately.  I’m not even sure “grey” provides an accurate picture.  The only certainty has been uncertainty.

There was no shortage of emotions and feelings.  When it came to the trivial such as work, weather or the Packers – I still had a voice.  An often cynical, dark, occasionally inappropriate voice, but a voice nonetheless.

The challenge was the important thoughts and emotions – everything personal - they were unable to make it beyond the inner-reaches of my mind.  Attempts to observe them turned into a frustrating game of quantum entanglement where the thought would either change or evaporate upon consideration.  This left an emotionless, opinion-less mute of a man – I’m sure to the frustration of those closest to me.  Certainly for poor AT.

Speaking of AT, with her help I’ve been able to take advantage of the occasional eruptions of motivation.  The house remains (relatively) clean, cats are healthy, laundry kept up and, thanks to my bro and sister-in-law, I’ve started brewing beer and growing button mushrooms.  Shit, I’ve even been driving!

Still…… It’s been an uphill struggle fraught with minimal self-confidence and uncertainty.  I’m not even sure if the struggle is what brought me this far or the “power of the grey” is simply losing it’s grip.  Well, to be honest, those minor victories did give me something to hold on to when things are looking bleak.  It didn’t seem like much at the time, but when there’s nothing else to grab on to…..

I still spend an inordinate amount of time pondering whether or not I’m completely full of shit.  Is all this reflection and analyzation window dressing for what’s really just a lazy, un-motivated loser who’s unwilling to maintain a stable, happy life?

And these are the thoughts that effortlessly pass from one neuron, one moment, to the next.

I wonder if my silence during these periods is really just expansion of my usual coping mechanism against the crazy thoughts – ignore them.  Well, not actively ignore them in as much as avoiding giving them any more power.  I’ve learned if I turn my analytical brain on those thoughts, deeper into the rabbit hole I will fall.  Instead, I refuse to give them power, or a voice.  And when the crazy thought factory is cranking out product at a furious pace, then end result is I don’t have a voice. Or opinion. Or feeling.

It becomes all about trying not to trip over the precipice into the abyss.  I’ve been there. They don’t sell t-shirts.

The focus now is to hold tightly to those things in my life which bring light and try not to spend time worrying about “How long will it last this time?” or “Will I be able to completely get out of this fog?”  This is why I try to be focused on the present.  NOW is what matters most.  Nothing can be done about yesterday and tomorrow has yet to be defined.

If all goes well, I’ll be able to drink my first home-brewed beer on my birthday and, shortly thereafter, consume sautéed mushrooms I grew all by myself.

It ain’t much, but I’ll take it.

And now it’s time to triple-star a few more levels in Angry Birds for Facebook.  ’Tis a shame I’m the only of my friends playing, but I’m still having fun, and that’s what matters most.